Its just today's problem

You know what's amazing? When everything feels like its ending, but people around you can see that its just a passing cloud.

Today was very very hard. Tom and I had a fight, and we hurt each other. And I sat there, frightened and devastated in my car, in the middle of my day, crying and feeling like the world was ending. I know that's extreme. I know. But when it comes to the kids, its hard not to feel everything to extremes.

I skyped with Bodhi and Ethan tonight, and they are so close, their little sweet faces are right there, lifesized, and I can't touch them. They are hugging and kissing the computer screen, and Bodhi is running in and out of the picture, I can hear him playing with Tom in the back ground, and Ethan and I are chatting... and I miss them like I've lost a limb. And the not knowing when I'm going to see them next is brutal.

So I pulled my shit together, I still needed to get over to the library and get a library card, and check out some books to read to them on Skype tonight. And check my PO box, and go see my boss, Andy... I looked in the mirror and my eyes were all red and runny, but hey. I resisted the urge to just give in and go home and get in bed and cry and cry, which is really all I wanted to do.

I got out of my car and walked up to the ski school with my sunglasses on. The walk in the sunshine helped, it always does, to see other people moving on in their world when it feels like mine is ending. I had a few minutes to pull it together, and I went into Andy's office to say howdy.

Before we had a chance to talk, a woman came in who had lost her mother the year before. Andy introduced us, and started to tell her story. There was so much love there, this was a story of a woman who followed her dreams and was a professional skier. People thought she was crazy, and she taught her kids to follow their dreams and make a difference. And this woman, her daughter, loved her with a fierceness, and was so grateful for all that her mom had taught her. I'm sitting here, listening to this story, and feeling like, how is it possible that I ran into this woman today, and she should tell this story?

I want so badly to show Ethan and Bodhi that you can live your life responsibly, you can earn your money and have a safe and stable roof over your head, but you don't have to have a job you hate. You can do what you love, you can do something new, you can make up your job. You can follow your passion and feel free and alive. I want them to see me following my dream and bringing them up and loving them well, and I want to kindle a fire in them that makes them lust for life, I want to watch them grow and dream and become. I want to be a witness to what they can make out of their lives.

After the beautiful gift of this story, and sharing a few tears with this huge hearted woman, I looked at Andy. Unfortunately, I was still crying. I'm not a fan of drama and tears, I try to feel what I feel and let it move through me, and keep living in my life rather than being ruled by other people's actions. But sometimes, in the situation I'm in now, sometimes, its just too big, and I need a friend.

Andy told me something he'd learned from someone, I wish I remembered who it was, and I'll ask him so we can track this through here, but he told me, "Today is a bad day for you."

I smiled at him, because that was a nice, understanding thing to say. "Yes," I said, "Today is a bad day."

"But this is today's problem."

Andy went on to share the idea with me that what I'm feeling and dealing with now, that feels like the worst, scariest thing I can deal with, is really just today's problem. I will get through it, as I did yesterday's problem, and tomorrow's problem will be all teed up waiting for me.

I thought about this for a minute. It reminded me that the definition of suffering is wishing things were different than they are.

This was the first in a series of little helps and pushes that helped me pull my head and heart out of fear and into what needs to happen now. To see that this is this moment, this is the reality of this moment, and that there is a way through it.

I have a beautiful home. It has a bedroom for the boys. I have a great new room mate, who I love, who will be wonderful for my boys to be around. I have a big yard, and a pond, and three good jobs. I have friends who help me up when I fall down.

And then I let go, and I took a breath, and my friend called and she's moving here to live with me, and then I took a swim with Cindy who listened and hugged me, and then a friend helped me out with a surprise donation to my rent, which was a huge relief, and then my mom called, and she's heading out to Bozeman to take care of the kiddos.

And tomorrow will be another day. Wow, suddenly, Im channeling Scarlett O'Hara. Sokay, I could do worse.

Its been a tough day. Once again, things have changed 180 degrees on a whim. I'm trying hard to stay the course, see my path and know its going to be okay. But its very hard to feel so very powerless, and to feel so very betrayed by someone who I loved well for a long time. The truly sad thing is, I know he feels the same way. And there's no fixing it. There's no making it civil, or kind. No matter how much I wish it, that isn't how we are now. Its not what he wants, there is no trust there. It can't be done.

Today I sit here, having shuffled everything again, and breathe, feeling like the rug's been pulled out from under me with no warning. Again. I had so hoped that starting my new life would ease the emotional fish hooks from my cheeks, and it has, my day to day is less dark, I'm less afraid, more free, but there is still all this power for pain, and it feels as though its exercised with brutal gaiety.

I'm also sad that I can't really write about it, because while its important, and its happening, and I feel muzzled... I can't write about it.

So I'm quiet now because I'm swamped with a tidal wave of longing for my kids, and fear about the ever changing winds from up north about the future. I know I'm doing the right thing. I have a home suitable for the boys, I have three good jobs, and I have a wonderful friend who is going to come live with me, who loves children, should they ever make it out here.

Room Mate Wanted!

Available Dec. 1 – Furnished (nice queen bed included if needed)

Live three minutes from Highlands up Maroon Creek Road! $750/mo for one bedroom in a detached cabin with large back yard and skating pond. Rent Reduces to $600 when my kids join us.

4WD is a good idea… this cabin is NOT on the bus line.

Share this cute rustic cabin with me and my two boys, 6 and 8 years old. Rent can be further reduced in exchange for babysitting 2 nights and 1 full weekend day a week.

Must be interested in rustic living, no TV watchers, please… we watch some movies but do not have and do not want cable. Good music, good food, good friends, outdoor living, organic food, healthy lifestyles.

High speed DSL, Laundry in nearby building. Incredible views. Quiet, peaceful, beautiful place to live.

Call Kate Howe 406-599-5070 or email katehowe(at)mac(dot)com

Twetiquite, brought to light by Solas Celtic Music in Aspen, CO!

I had a great first night out in Aspen tonight with a new friend, Casey McConnell, who is the CEO of Qittle, a social marketing company. We went to see Solas, an amazing Celtic band, very jamin'... think more Pogues meets Grateful Dead than Lord of the Dance kind of thing. Really fantastic music.

Anyhow, before the show, we were talking about Twitter and what the future of Twitter might be. As the night progressed, I found myself thinking about social networking, and what Twitter has changed. I thanked Casey for Re-Tweeting something I'd posted, and he mentioned Social Karma.

These thoughts gelled in my head on the way home, and I realized that I was thinking about Emily Post, and my mother teaching me to set the table properly. I thought about my father's exquisite hand-writing, my Uncle Pat's extraordinary ability to write a thoughtful letter on an actual typewriter.

People have been complaining for years about the fact that technology, while trying to bring us closer, has driven us apart. We don't take the time to write a letter, we don't take the time to talk on the phone, because we can text. We can email. There is no formality, social graces have gone the way of the rotary phone for most of us.

And now I think about Twitter. And the people who use this wonderful little tool well. When its used simply as marketing (ie: Ski Resorts that do nothing but tweet deals and prices), people ignore it, it becomes the white noise of the dancing baby on the sidebar of whatever website you are visiting.

But when people use it well, they post real items from their day, mixed in with business. Twitter has just enough anonymity, you are sending this tweet, generally, not to a person, but just out into the Twitterverse as it were, and it allows you to show your human face. I think we are not only willing, but seduced by the idea of having our very own Pensive... you spill your thoughts into the streaming Twitterverse and off they go. Whoever is watching at the time will see it go by like a leaf in a stream. Its like plugging into the collective conscious (or unconscious)of the human race. At least that part of the human race that's wired and mobile.

And when you show your human face, you allow others to connect to you on a real level. Most people that play on Twitter know that this is true. But what really hit me tonight, is that for Twitter to work as well as it does, you have to say Please and Thank You.

When you RT (re-tweet) something that means something to you, and you get a Thank You back, suddenly, you are connected to the original author. You've made a connection in 280 characters. And when you tweet something, most of the time, you don't expect a RT. So the RT comes as a bit of a gift, a surprise, you are never sure who is going to do it, and its pretty easy to say, wow, thanks!

There is this sort of "pay it forward" mentality that would make Ms. Post proud. Or my mother, for that matter. (Yes, I know which one is the fish fork. To her credit, I also know how to braid and burn a line for a ship.)

Is it possible that we've begun to come full circle? Can this over-familiarity breed manners back into our bereft, fractured, poorly socialized, narcissistic society? Are we becoming a community again? What a wonderful beginning that would be.

First Workout in the Gym!

The warming room at the Aspen Club and Spa.

Welcome back to training, Kate! Wee Hoo! I have a month to get a routine established before my kids get here. Did my first weight workout today, back and legs, tried to take it easy because (confession) I like lifting weights, and I tend to overdo it every time I start fresh.

The workout felt pretty good, it was nice to get back at it. The only thing I felt (aside from out of shape) was that my ribs still don't want to do sit-ups, they made a gross crunching noise and are a bit sore. But I need to make my core strong! So I'm gonna ask my wonderful sponsors at the Stone Clinic how to handle that conundrum.

Lucky me, as an employee of the Aspen Club and Spa, I get to use the facility, so its not really all that bad. I'm sad, tho, I was looking forward to joining the ski conditioning class, but they close it after a few weeks so people won't hurt themselves working out super hard without a base. Smart.

Tonight, Gaelic music at the Wheeler Opera House with my friend Casey from Qittle! Time for girl clothes! YAY!

First Hike in Aspen, Thank You to the Ski Co!!

Dennis and I went for a wonderful two hour hike up Sunnyside, it was great to catch up and reconnect. It's still hitting me every day that I did it, I moved here. I'm not visiting, I'm a resident.

Standing on top of the Sunnyside trail, looking across the valley at Aspen Mountain, Highlands, Pyramid Peak, Buttermilk, Snowmass all covered in snow, and the beautiful town below, I felt such an amazing sensation of gratitude to all the people that have made me feel like I could do this.

I met with Casey McConnell of Qittle today and I was telling him my story, and its always amazing when I hear it myself, how fortunate I am. So I wanted to take this moment to say thank you.

Thank you to the SkiCo for being so giving and generous for the last two years, to all the individual people who gave a little extra to help me ski and train here. Megan, Katie, Andy, Squatty, Weems, Kurt, and Georgie as well as a whole host of other people, welcomed me here, helped me out with lift tickets, invited me into training sessions, opened their homes and lives and fridges, and showed me around their town.

Thanks for opening the door and helping me live my dream, I'm so happy and excited to be here!!

Room Mate Needed!

Looking for a room mate in Aspen! Live in a 2 bedroom cabin with me and my two boys, 3 minutes from Highlands Ski Area on the T Lazy 7 Ranch!

8 minutes to town! Looking for a possible room mate to share a cabin on a stream in the woods with me and my kids! $750 - 1000 a month, includes a parking spot. NOT on bus route, 4wd is a good idea. Beautiful mountain living. Fireplace. Family. Good food. No TV watchers, we don't have TV and don't want it! We do watch movies. We are more into music, games, friends, good food.

LOOK AT PICTURES OF THE PLACE HERE

Email if you are interested!!

katehowe mac com

Selling some Antiques

Hi there, I'm selling a few antiques that have been in my family for a looonnnngg time, and I need some help! Does anyone work in antiques? I need a fair ballpark appraisal for selling them in today's market in Bozeman, Salt Lake or Aspen (the three places I could drive them to myself to consign them).

The green one is beautiful, hand painted Japanese scenes in a raised finish. Inside, there are built in shelves, tiny drawers and mail slots. It has some leg damage that is not visible (the leg needs to be reglued). American antique Queen Anne style secretary desk c.1904. Original unique green-crackle bookcase top with gold floral design on pediment and raised Asian landscape design on drop-front. Original finish, hardware and glass.

American antique Georgian style walnut secretary desk c. 1904. Book-matched burl panels on the drop-front desk and drawers and original glass in the bookcase top. Original finish. Original pulls and keyhole escutcheons. Shipping not included. GREAT shape, has one small chip on the front pull down. .

Two beautiful secretary desks. Any help at ALL is GREATLY appreciated, this is my rent money, so I'm in a hurry to figure it out! Thanks! Shipping not included.

Letting Go and finding a New Place to Live

I got several wonderful supportive emails after the post on fear and the river, and I wanted to say thank you. The time I took to let acknowledge those feelings and let go of fighting them was helpful, as was writing about it.

I am feeling like I needed to do some grieving, I think I was grieving the last vestiges of the life before. And it feels clean, now. I miss the boys a lot, but I feel like I've let go of a lot of the dregs of sadness.

Its time to focus on getting to work and making some money, and finding a NEW place to live with my kids. I need to find that place now, because I need to move into it on Dec. 1! I had to email Erica in India and tell her that my kids are indeed coming out at Christmas, and that she'd need to find a new room mate and I'd need to find a new place to live. Not ideal. She was, of course, lovely and understanding. Awesome.

If anyone would like to share a home with Bodhi and Ethan and I, let me know!

**UPDATE**

There are some wonderful places that will suit us well here on the ranch! Looking for a possible room mate to share a cabin on a stream in the woods with me and my kids! $750 - 1000 a month, includes a parking spot. NOT on bus route, 4wd is a good idea. Beautiful mountain living. Fireplace. Family. Good food. No TV watchers, we don't have TV and don't want it! We do watch movies. We are more into music, games, friends, good food.

Cross fingers, here we go! OH, PS I took some videos of the place I live, and I'd love to upload them for you, but I left my cable in Bozeman! So please hold...

First Training Session!

Good morning! Last night I went to my first Aspen Ski School training session! It was Movement Analysis with Schanzy, Cindy, Kristen and Buddy. It was so fun! Of course, I am a giant geek, and talking for two and a half hours about two thirty second clips of video is what I like most if I'm not on snow.

MA is fantastic because it gives you this amazing opportunity to train your eye, to look carefully at the skier and ask all the questions; What is happening here? Why is it happening? What's going to happen next as a result? If I change something, what will the result of that change be?

Aspen has a matrix they use to do MA, its intricate and designed to isolate one skill (Rotary, Edging, Pressure and balancing skills). So you look at the skier and talk about that one skill as it relates to what the skis are doing on the snow, and then traveling up the body.

I was nervous to go, because I've been to MA here in the conference room before, and there's a lot of very accomplished skiers who talk very intelligently about what is happening. It was great, though! We were each assigned a skill, and we were only allowed to address that skill to practice staying specific.

I will admit that I was completely spastically excited after we were done because, well, its ski season!! Woo HOO!

Fear flows through me like a river

Unpacked a little love and comfort.

I put my head down on the desk for just a moment and let these feelings run through me like a river. I don't want to stop moving, because I'm afraid I will be swallowed by my sadness. And I realize that if I believe that, I deny this essential truth: I am sad. And that's okay to feel. Its appropriate in this moment that I miss my kids, so much that my heart feels like its bleeding.

I feel fear and worry about finding a place to live, hopefully on this ranch, which has a pond I can throw stones in from my porch, and a school bus that stops right here. This place feels right, it feels like home, like heaven, and just having found a place to rest where the howling of Tom's pain and the injustice done to him is quiet, and the smell of the trees is healing like a balm, I'm afraid it will be taken.

I fear what it will mean for my newly repaired heart to love a man and a family who lives so very far away, (in Whitefish, MT... that's 20 hours...) and who has his own fear about the very same thing.

I worry about money, because Tom and I don't have an agreement in place, so while I KNOW I can make enough to support myself, I don't know that I can make enough to care for myself and my kids. Although there are all kinds of social programs, and I know we would make it work somehow.

So while I've taken a major step in coming to Colorado, and things feel clearer, the cloud of confusion and limbo that by necessity follows a person with Anxiety and Depression around has a few tendrils that have followed me here.

Also in this river, like fools gold on the bottom, or the glint of a fish darting by, are feelings of relief. I feel so much better. SO much better being away from the enormous, scary, sad, confusing, angry negative energy that pervaded my world for so long. Knowing that I did it, that I live here, that I've MOVED, not just visiting, but MOVED here, I feel like I've broken through all that.

And if I focus on that, its all I see, the gold.

I'm glad its a month before the resorts open because I feel like I have stepped out of a tornado and landed in a quiet place. Having a month to settle in, to wake up and look around at my new life, to walk these dirt roads back here and hike up the mountain and make food and just process through all that has happened is quite a gift.

The sadness is easing as I let it flow, and end up once again in a place that feels like, no matter what happens, its going to be okay. I will, eventually, have a solid place to live, and my kids with me. I hope against hope that its here on this ranch, but even if its not, it will be okay.

Home Sweet Home! I made it to Aspen!

Here it is! This is Erica's apartment above a cabin on the ranch. There's no cell service here, but she does have a GINORMOUS iMac like the one I left in Bozeman! Yay! Erica is in India until December, so I am OFFICIALLY living on my own for the first time in 13 years.

CAN I GET AN AMEN!!??

This is very exciting. The car made it, nothing fell out, although there is a whine, a shimmy and a hiss that has me concerned. We'll see how it goes. If the Bronco can make it to February, I might be able to swing a used Suby. (Cross your fingers.)

I'm beat, I'm gonna take a bath and eat some dinner and go to bed. I have to unload the whole truck tomorrow and get down to the Spas and get on the schedule!

If you are in Aspen and you need a massage, give me a call, I have my table! 406-599-5070 $60/hr.

Choice in the Midst of Fear

Okay. Here is the thing. I am a very lucky girl. I get to have this huge group of people telling me "Go, Kate GO!" You guys have been SO amazing as I struggled through making it to the day that I could move to Aspen and start my new life.

I have gotten a LOT of emails telling me I'm brave, and that people are proud of me. And that feels really, really good. But I also feel a bit guilty about it.

Because lots of people move. There are 1400 people who work as ski instructors for the Ski Co alone, and I'll bet half of them have to move every season. It shouldn't be that big a deal! In fact, for me, this is my 28th move in 38 years. Its true. It should be par for the course. I like moving, its a great opportunity to edit your stuff and turn a new page and make new friends and have new adventures.

But I guess the deal is that I've slowed down with the moving in the last 13 years or so, I lived at the house where I had my kids for seven years, the longest I've ever lived in one place. Then, Tom and I lived in this house in Bozeman for five years, the second longest I've lived in one place.

So as I have this discussion with myself, I can see that it does take some courage to separate from a long, unhealthy relationship, and untangle that ball, pull myself free and learn to grow back into me. (Let me please make it clear here that I do not blame Tom for our mess, it was a mutual mess.) And I'm not scared about moving the kids, but I realize that what's different THIS time, is all the times I've hopped in the car and moved to a new town and started a new adventure, I've never had two little lives and futures hanging in the balance. So getting it right is scary.

I think we are going to be just fine. Driving through the dark into Salt Lake, this drive that is so familiar to me now, I felt those sticky fingers of complacency easing, and I saw my future and possibility opening ahead of me. I know that its easier to stay with what's known, even if its isn't what could be, or what is healthy, or what is right.

Stepping out of the comfort of the known, even if the known is bad for you, is hard. This is why people stay in bad relationships, in bad jobs, and give up on dreams. Because its so hard to believe that the unknown can be better. Talk about a leap of faith.

I once designed a sculptural entrance for a battered women's shelter (specifically for victims of sexual abuse). It was a bridge over a river, and the building was situated on the other side of the water. The bridge was made of glass on the side closest to the parking area. To get to the shelter, to begin your new life, you had to step out onto this clear surface that didn't look solid. Like stepping into thin air. Every step you took toward the shelter the bridge became more opaque as sand was mixed into the glass. By the other side, the bridge was solid concrete encased in steel. (The piece hasn't been produced yet... I'd love to get that made.)

It was designed to mirror the feeling that you have when you choose to break an old pattern and do something differently. Even if you can see the building on the other side, stepping towards it means letting go of things that made you feel safe even if they hurt you. Even if there was a terrible cost to them. Being brave enough to trust those on the other side of the river, to walk faithfully toward them. Every single step gets easier.

I think we have the opportunity to go through life like this all the time. Every day. Several times a day. Trying new foods, skiing new runs, making new friends, walking a new way to work, starting a new business, writing down your thoughts, leaving your spouse, letting new love in.

Okay, I think I got all that out of my head, I have no idea how coherent it is, but I've got to get back on the road! Time to be brave (although I don't have to be as brave today as I did yesterday, because my bridge is filling in with sand.)

OOH! Ps. Someone remind me to write the post on Choice in the Midst of Fear as it relates to depression and things like that... I promised Amy I would...

Salt Lake City and my Beautiful Sister!

I got in at about 11:45 last night and woke my little sister up. Her awesome jazz musician boyfriend was outside, just came home from practice, and had a nice cold beer ready for me on the porch as soon as I got out of the truck. We love this man!

Liat and I visited for a while, even though she needed to go to bed, and we woke up early so I could walk with her to work. Its amazing to see her here in this environment, I know its silly, because she's 27. Well anyway, she's a grownup.

She lives in a city, in a beautiful little lovenest, and has an amazing job or three. She works for the City of Salt Lake, and she started there as a Temp. Now, because she is so awesome, within about six months, she has been hired to do workflow solutions for the city. My sister is RIDICULOUSLY organized, but she's managed to create a system that allows her NOT to stress about what needs getting done. The things she needs to do show up, I can't explain it other than to say that once she gets a system in place for you (the transition can be rough, you have to pay attention.), your life is suddenly EASIER!

They are excited, she now has her own business called Untangling the Ball and she helps people get all ALL their stuff done and have cleaner, clutter free environments. Its truly awesome to behold.

One of these days, I'm going to hire her to help me get all my nine hundred projects in order so I can do the last steps! Like submit my books to publishers and find an Apps developer, and so on... Anyhow, its really cool to see her thriving and being happy in this amazing town. Yes, ugly from the freeway. Walking around Salt Lake, Amazing.

My phone died this morning, so while we were walking, I had it plugged in at her house, so I couldn't take pictures of ALL the amazing things I saw on the way to her office, and I hereby VOW not to let that happen again! The architecture is amazing. I may sneak out and take some pics before I get back on the road.

Anyhow, In the last few years, with me barely hanging on to my own life as it felt like it rapidly spun out of control, with school and training for the three, and preparing for this move, I haven't been as connected to my sisters and my mom as I'd like. It was basically me learning to have boundaries, to enforce them, to learn to take care of myself, and to spend time with my kids.

As I make this drive toward my new home and my new life, I see space opening up as I leave the drama behind, I see room for down time, connection and family. I feel like I'm waking back up. I feel like I'm leaving a thundercloud that has grass fires under it all the time. I put down my hose and my turnouts and got in the car.

It was so very nice to reconnect with Liat, even for a few hours, and see the life she's made for herself. I'm SO proud! When I grow up, I need to learn to be more responsible, like her.

Okay, time to get back on the road! 7 hours to Aspen!

my beautiful sister and her office!

Dear Apple, HELP!

I tweeted this morning "It may B tru that I also dont wnt 2 leave ths iMac. "Dear Apple. I'm a broke writer coming up. cn I please have a new computer"

And MacLounge retweeted me! So I know they are listening out there. So I thought I'd send a plea out into the twittersphere and see if it could only come true:

Oh, Apple Gods, if you are out there, hear my plea.

I write. Obsessively. All the time. My life is cronicalling this insane journey that I'm on from being an overweight, unhappy stay at home mom to a professional skier on the National Alpine Demo team and a happy adventurous mom to my two young boys, 6 and 8, in five years.

I blog from all over the country, meeting new people and telling my story and theirs. I'm moving from Montana to Colorado with $160 bucks in my pocket to start my new job teaching skiing on Aspen Mountain! This is the half way point!

I'm fortunate enough to be writing for 32 Degrees Magazine, Ski Racing, Ski Resorts.com, Telemark Skiing, and some other mags! YES, its happening!

Unfortunately, this amazing huge FAST iMac that I write on belongs to my ex. And here it stays.

I am working on an old G4 which I can only run text edit on. I can't even upgrade my OS to run the current Firefox, so posting is getting difficult!

I've been fortunate enough to pick up some sponsors over the years who have given me the gear I need to follow this dream. I could never ever do this without them, I can't afford skis and boot-fitting and armor and whatnot!

Is it possible? Would Apple sponsor me? Would you consider sending me a blogger's dream? Some sort of very fast laptop with an amazing backup drive and LOTS of memory for all the volumes of photos I take for the articles?

I'd be really grateful. Thanks for your time.

PS. If the answer is yes, text me, I'll be on the road moving to Aspen today!
PS. Yes. I would get a tatto. Does that sound desperate? Maybe I shouldn't tell them that. Hmm...

Good Bye Montana

I just put my kids on the bus. I hugged them out there at the bus stop and reminded them that I was driving to Colorado while they were in school today. They were fine, they hugged me, said good bye with smiles. I reminded them I'd not see them till Thanksgiving, my biggest fear is them coming home and being like, "Where's mom?"

The funny thing is, this isn't the longest I've been away. Last year, I went to Aspen, then Academy, then Tryouts, then Los Angeles to visit my sister and that trip took six weeks. It was torture for all of us, although it was an amazing trip. So I know we'll be fine.

That's not what's got me this time. I guess this morning, and the reason its been so hard to pack and get out of here in general, this morning marks the end. Its like receiving final divorce documents. Its over.

Its been over for a long time, but we've been able to hold together a family of sorts for the kids and patchwork this semblance of home. This house has been like training wheels, I can toddle back to it, its here. Its been a safety net. This home, Tom's job. There are groceries here, its warm. This is a place to land.

Leaving today, I'm not leaving on a ski or a climbing trip. I'm moving. To Colorado. I'm leaving this house, its not my home any more. The tether is cut. And while I know that I'd be welcome here if I needed to come back, I don't want to. I want a clean break, to close this door firmly behind me and open the next.

Its wild, right now, Both doors are open. I am standing in a place in my life where I can see all the way into my past, into all the crazy events, all the things I've survived, all the things that have made me thrive, all the love, all the loss, all the struggle, all the dreams. And I'm standing on the threshold, literally, and I can look either way.

Ahead is fuzzy. I know what training looks like. I know what Aspen Mountain is like, because the Ski Co was so amazing to me; I got to stay in the locker room every time I came and see how it worked, so I feel like I'm landing in a familiar place.

But I don't know what my home looks like, or what it looks like to live alone after 13 years.

This place reminds me of why we are afraid of change. I know my future is in front of me. I feel the fingers of my past pulling me securely to this house, like my energy is a sticky net, brushing its fingers over everything I walk by, telling me, "Look what you are leaving. This won't be here when you come back."

This makes me feel so many different ways. The strength of the possibilities before me feel so good, I feel so excited about being in Aspen, it feels like home to me, my friends there are so amazing and welcoming... I'm looking forward to coffees with Cindy and tennis and hikes, and arguing endlessly with Kurt and writing in Ink, and picking out food at the little City Market. I'm looking forward to riding my bike in the snow around town, to sitting in the comfort of Weem's friendship and petting Merlin.

I'm looking forward to giving Dennis one of his never ending backrubs and saying hi to Nemo, to seeing the smiling faces of Georgie and Katie and Kip, to being teased mercilessly by Andy and Schanzy, to meeting my new room mate, Erica, to starting my new jobs and making even more new friends.

I'm dreaming about going for long, blissfull, giggling, no stop, looping the chairlift skis with Megan.

These things make me excited, I know how strong and free I feel when I'm on my own, I think that's been part of the allure of being on the road so much for the last three years, learning to become me, learning to stand on my feet alone.

And now, I'm embarking on a never ending road trip, or the emotional equivalent. I'm leaving. I'm not coming back. (I mean, I have to come back to get some stuff, but I'm not coming home.)

Maybe that's it. Driving out of the driveway, I'll be homeless. I'm going to Aspen with two boxes of groceries and $160. (A half a pack of cigarettes, our sunglasses on, and its night. Hit it!)

I like to think of myself as strong, as fearless. Not much really scares me, or, perhaps, more accurately, even if it scares me, I'm not scared to do it.

This scares me.

I'm gonna do it anyway.

I'll be off line for a few days, to stay posted, please follow me on Twitter!

Halloween Costume Contest!

Did you party down with your bad self last night? I didn't get the chance to dress up this year, let me live vicariously though you! Email me photos to katehowe at mac dot com! I'll post em and we'll vote!

Happy Halloween! PS spent the day playing with the boys, looks like I'll be driving out Monday morning rather than tomorrow.

Last La Pa

Last la Parilla Lunch shared with the lovely and talented Alisa. (Don't turn your computer sideways, that's what she's like all the time.)

From the Mouths of Babes

Tonight, we watched Transformers all together. The boy were in their new Power Rangers costumes (Oh my god, I can't believe I'm saying this! I was going to be the mom that resisted branding and violent play! AHHH! Well, its well regulated, anyway...)

The boys were sharing popcorn with me in front of the fire. When they were in bed, Bodhi asked me to lay down with him, something we don't really do anymore. I asked him what was up, and he put his head on my chest and wrapped his arms around me and said, very seriously, with no tears, but all earnestness, looking into my eye from about four inches away, "Mom, I don't ever want to be apart from you."

"I know, babe, I don't ever want to be apart from you, too." I said, with a little bit of rising panic inside. I've been trying not to look at this as a long term thing, just as two three week ski trips back to back. And then we are together again, and its okay.

I think the current plan may be that they boys try to join me at Christmas with my mom.

He touched my face, and kissed me and snuggled in tight and said, "I don't ever want to leave you." Strange that he said that rather than, "I don't ever want you to leave me."

I laid there and thought, this is right. This will make a better life for all of us. Is this right? Am I crazy? Is it going to be okay? And then looking ahead at that life and thinking, Yes. Yes.

Off the mountain by four, I'll be living five minutes from the Elementary school. They'll be able to ski and play in the snow and swim at the club. Things we can't afford otherwise.

We can survive till Christmas, I know we can.

Beard Juice Tequila

Alright, maybe I'm on a bit of a rebellious tear, here, but I had this thought about two years ago, and I've been trying to convince the Griz and Bridger Bowl to pick it up, for some reason, they are resistant. I can't figure it out. Maybe Lost Trail?

I don't know, somewhere ballsy needs to do this, it could turn into one of those disgusting traditions that all the ice beard men would wrestle with each other to participate in. (Oh, yes you would, don't deny it...)

Photo of Dave Downing, who wants you to know that he felled his moose with his bare hands while on ALPINE skis, and as a prize, Jess married him. They now live happily in Whitefish, where they have Moose pie for dinner every night and she darns his wool socks, but only when he's got his beard.

Okay. I used to have a little "house" that I rented in LaBufadora in Mexico, south of Ensenada. It was the very early nineties, so there was no cell service down there, the nearest telephone was a 20 minute drive past a village where guys with old rifles stood in the road and made you pay to pass. (I had a few beers with them a couple of times, nice guys, just tryin to make a buck, you know...)

Anyway, it used to make my sister, Beth, insane that I went down there, I'd take off without telling her, and disappear for four days or so, drinking Dos Equis for breakfast and writing where no one could bother me. (I was working on and EPIC romance novel interactive DVD game that we couldn't produce because the DVD technology was so new, they weren't sure what the format would be!)

Not the point. SO there is this little bar, with no sign, in LaBufadora, where they serve Rattlesnake Tequila. WHAT, you may ask, is rattlesnake tequila? Simple:

RattleSnake Tequila
Take one 5 gallon water jug, dump the water out. (Who needs water when you have Dos Equis?)
Fill bottle almost to the brim with cheap Tequila.
Catch a rattlesnake, live.
Drown the rattlesnake in the Tequila, it will release its venom into the brew, making it slightly toxic and very potent and delicious.
Let sit for six months until the scales are floating, and the snake is essentially pickled.
Stir and drink! (Make sure you have a spot on the floor picked out to sleep on, you're not going far.)

**disclaimer**
I'm not saying this is safe or even smart. Just because it didn't kill me the dozen or so times we were out there doing shots doesn't mean its an intelligent thing to do. That is all.

Alright. What the BLEEP does this have to do with skiing?

So you know those ice encrusted full beard wearin tele men we were celebrating below?

Beard Juice Tequila
Take a five gallon jug of water. Empty water into snowmaking resivor.
Place jug on counter of local apres bar, closer to the hill the better.
Fill halfway with cheap tequila.
Have all ice encrusted beardies chip their ice off and let their beard juice run into the jug until its full. (It should take all season).
Have a contest at the end of the season to see who can drink a shot or nine without tossing his cookies.
Ten bucks a shot, beard juice contributors get two free shots.
The winner gets a season pass.

Right? Brilliant, right? I'm fairly certain that the Tequila would kill all the germies in the snot and sweat and whatever else is hanging out in Dave Downing's beard...

**Disclaimer**
I'm not, uh, a physician, or a pathologist, so obviously, do this at your own risk... But if anyone decides to do it, I want to come MC the drinking contest!!

Happy Winter, Y'all!

Chicks Dig Dirty Hippies

Photo by John Shafer

I was talking with my friend, who asked to remain nameless because he knows he is a total hack (we’ll call him Birdman), who really only tele’s for the chicks, the other day. This time, he was lamenting the difficulty of growing the requisite Tele-man beard this year.

"I can't do it. It itches. I'm shavin'."

"Sack up, Birdie. A little itch is no price for a truly tremendous winter growth. Shave it now and you'll be nothing but scruffy at the beginning of the season. All your fellow knee-dropping duct tape wearing free heelers will look at you with disdain."

"Yeah. And they'll get all the chicks. What is that!?" Suddenly, Birdman is angry, bristling as it were. "Why do chicks dig dirty hippies? What is that all about?"

I thought for a second. He had something here.

"You aren't a dirty hippie Birdie."

"No, but I play one in the winter, dammit!"

This man, getting some sort of advanced degree in statistics, and very well respected in the marketing world, known to indulge in the occasional massage and trip to the steam room, was trying to grow a beard to get chicks.

I thought for a moment about the allure of the knuckle dragging, beard wearing, duct tape using, shovel-for-a-backpack, full bearded man of the wild, heels free, bombing through the pow... I must have gotten a dreamy, far off look in my eyes, because The Bird caught it immediately.

"Yes, Kate. THAT. What the f@$k is that??"

"I think, Birdman, my love, that it must appeal to a women's love of a competent man. You can't be a total dip-s@$t and get this done. The real "mountain man" the McGyver of the ridge, the man who can fix a binding with duct tape and some cordolette he has tied on his avy pack, this same man with the luscious long beard frozen together from face shots, this is the man that will not let you go hungry or freeze to death. It appeals to our inner need for survival."

He eyeballed me skeptically. "Chicks dig dirty hippies because they keep you warm? But they smell bad."

I pondered this. Was it smell? Or musk? "Oh, I don't know..."

He rolled his eyes. Here it comes.

"Yeah, they are on the musky side, but the competence, the power, the surety, the confidence... the bucking of the trend, ditching alpine skiing for living free in spite of it all... Tele skiers are that wonderful rare breed, like Aid or Trad climbers, they are a do-it-yourself, like... I don't know... no one has to hold their hands, they get out there and Figure S%$t Out. The man that comes into the Griz (our local watering hole for dirty hippies here in Bozeman, MT) with his face sealed shut with ice, he spent a hard day taming the mountains..."

"Oh, please, he did not. He rode the chair-lift and probably went straight; dropping his knee all the way to the freakin' ground." The Bird shot back.

"Yes, that's just what he did. But in the Griz, we don't know that. We look at him and think, O' wild man, lead me into the mountains and let me be your squaw..."

Birdman stopped. "You don't really think that, do you?"

I smiled. "No, not really. And the beard juice that drips off y'alls face as you are thawing is pretty disgusting. But that's not the point, Birdie. For the day, just for this day, you be a dirt bag knee dropper, sporting requisite full beard, and let some chick fantasize that you could fell a moose with your bare hands and never get lost hiking through miles of back country, and you'll probably have a pretty good winter!"

"Just the winter?"

"It depends. You gotta shave if you are going to hang out with her on the river in the summer. Different kind of dirty hippie there."

Birdman pulled out a notebook and started writing. "Okay, lets go through this again..."


Kate Howe is the author of the Blog Skiing in the Shower, and a PSIA Level 3 Certified instructor at Aspen Mountain, where she thinks longingly of the dirtbag tele skier she left behind in Whitefish, MT.

Shaun White's Private Halfpipe!

From Colorado Snow:

Oct 28, 2009
Shaun White’s private halfpipe
Written By: Devin Reams

Some day when I grow up, I’ll have my own private halfpipe. In the meantime, I’ll just have to watch Shaun White play on his. Not everyone has heard of this yet, but Red Bull built Shaun a halfpipe in the backcountry of Silverton, Colorado and will start posting some awesome videos soon. In short: he’s planning to invent a series of new tricks that will change the sport forever. Check out Shaun White’s private halfpipe and check back here for updates.

From Kate:
Not only is the video on building a halfpipe in the back country extraordinary to watch, the website is beautifully designed, and the video streams seamlessly! Go check it out and keep checking back, November 3 they go live with all Shaun's new tricks!!

Avalanche Advisory

This is Mark Staples from the Gallatin National Forest Avalanche Center with an early season Avalanche Information Bulletin issued at 8 a.m. on Wednesday, October 28.

Mountain Weather:
Overnight up to 2ft of snow has fallen in the Bridger Range, 12-16 inches near Big Sky, and 4-5 inches in the mountains near Cooke City and West Yellowstone. Northerly winds have been blowing 12-15 mph with gusts up to 38 mph. October has been especially cold and snowy with preliminary climate data indicating Bozeman may experience its coldest October on record beating 1969 for the coldest daily average temperature. Precipitation has been above normal with MSU recording an additional ½ inch of water above the monthly average.

Snowpack and Avalanche Discussion:
With such cold weather and abundant snowfall, avalanches are a very real possibility. A human triggered avalanche occurred on October 6th in the Bridger Range on Sacajawea near the summer trail breaking on the interface from the October 1st storm. On Saturday, October 24th a group of four skiers was caught in an avalanche near Trapper Peak south of Missoula. The West Central Montana Avalanche Center collected an excellent report from one of the skiers HERE.

Read the rest of the Advisory HERE.

Telluride has new back country access

USFS adds three new backcountry gates off
ski area

Lower Bear Creek and the backside of Palmyra Peak, now open for business
By Matthew Beaudin
Editor


Published: Thursday, October 22, 2009 8:49 PM CDT

The United States Forest Service removed Lower Bear Creek’s veil on Wednesday, making the tempting terrain legal to ski this winter by adding two backcountry gates — into Reggae and Contention — just off the top of Lift 9.

In the same decision, the USFS also added an access gate off the backside of Palmyra Peak, the newly opened 13,320 matriarch of the ski area. That gate will allow backcountry travel into Lena and Alta Lakes basins.

The Lower Bear Creek area is frequently skied by Telluride’s locals, legal or not. Those who have been caught and had their passes removed are, by any measurement, a fraction of those skiing the terrain.

“There’s been probably 20 years worth of violations into the closure area,” said Scott Spielman, the recreation manager and snow ranger for the USFS’s Norwood Ranger District. “With access points, it allows users to make an informed decision.”

For the rest of the article from the Telluride Daily Planet, click HERE.

Hate Free BoZone March Nov. 1

In response to the Neo-Nazi, White Supremacist "Creativity Movement " group's recent activity in Bozeman, targeting the Montana State University community, public schools, at least one local business, and people of color, Bozeman United, an ad hoc, non-partisan coalition of concerned citizens and organizations, will hold a "Hate Free BoZone" march and rally on Nov 1, from 2-4pm. The march will assemble at 2pm at the intersection of 8th and Cleveland (MSU campus). We will march north on 8th to Main Street for a rally at the Willson School gymnasium. The traffic department has requested that marchers park their cars downtown (the parking garage will be open and free) and walk to 8th and Cleveland.

This peaceful march and rally celebrates the diverse individuals and families that call Bozeman home and reaffirms our community-wide commitment to a hate-free, safe, and welcoming Bozeman where we value and embrace diversity. Please come out with your family and help us celebrate what makes Bozeman so special, all of us!

In addition, the coalition has reserved Room 235 in the SUB on campus for sign making from 12-4 Saturday Oct 31st. Please bring waterproof markers, heavy paper and other supplies to share.

There will be a hat passing at the march to collect donations to cover expenses for the banner across Main Street and fliers. Please contribute what you can.

What's in a tattoo, anyway? (Part One)

I've discovered that I love getting tattooed. And while I've been interested in marking my body in a permanent way for a while, I never really thought through the evolution of my love of tattooing and being tattooed.

I was talking with a friend last night, and he asked me why it is that I've gotten so much ink lately, and I told him I have nine or ten more pieces I'm longing to get, including a large piece on my back. (Much to the horror of my mother, I'm sure...)

But here's what occurred to me. My first tattoo was in 1991, on my low back (years later to be called a "tramp stamp" damn it all...) I couldn't think of anything significant or meaningful enough to me, so I asked the woman to draw up something beautiful, art deco, that would follow the line of my body and just be a present from me to me. She drew up several pieces, and I picked one. An acquaintance from acting school went with me, and she chose one of the designs I'd rejected, and had it put on her body in the same place.

She sat with me while I got my (surprisingly painful) first ink, and it occurred to me that we'd be linked forever, this girl I barely knew, with the sister design to mine on her body, and her company while I leaned over the chair and felt the needle scratching my skin.

My second tattoo I got on a whim. Tom and I were walking down Hollywood Boulevard when we'd been dating all of two weeks. I said, "I want a tattoo." And we walked into some random shop, I drew a climbing rope on my ankle and two little stick figures, one belaying the other, and some tiny flowers. Tom and I had been climbing buddies for about a year at this point. I drew it on in ball point pen and the dude, a little stoned and uninterested in the work, put it on in all black, forgetting to add the color. $30 later, I was out the door sporting some new ink. But I wasn't thrilled. I mean, I'd drawn it on because it was what I thought of at the time, just wanting to mark me, mark a new chapter, take myself back to some extent.

Tattoos and men and I have an interesting history, that first one broke my first husband and me up. He liked clean skin, and I thought of my body as my own. It wasn't the defining moment, the actual issue, but it was enough of a wedge to serve as an excuse for both of us to annul our six month marriage. Helllllooo, Hollywood!

This tattoo I got with Tom was a small rebellion against a boyfriend who I was crazy about but who was, sadly, crazy himself. Young, wild, and trying to feel free, I made the mark.

There's more here, too... I'll write about this in a different separate post, I think... because I found out years later that that boy had put a major piece on his back about me, after we broke up. Strange to have part of your life on someone else's body.

I didn't get any ink again until seven or eight years later, just barely post pregnancy with Bodhi (well, maybe he was six months old). This piece, I thought through. This would be the Wife/Mother piece on my arm, and I did it as a piece of installation art on my body in 2003. There weren't a lot of blank English words on people's bodies at this time, and the model co-ordinator at Art Center saw the exhibition on the piece and sent it in to Skin and Ink, where it was published as a daring new trend in tattooing. I was pleased, I was daring! These two tiny tattoos were DARING!

It was exhilarating, I planned this piece in class with my favorite teacher, the amazingly intelligent and funny David Schafer, who was a bit shocked that I'd tattoo my body for a school project. I was thrilled about it because it was on my wrists, there would be no hiding it.

I planned it for months, I thought through it. I finally had a piece that was significant, that I believed in. You can read more about the Wife/Mother project and see more photos here.

This was the first time that I felt the power of conviction in my tattooing.

I've never understood why people get a picture of Garfield on their shoulder, even if you love Garfield, it just didn't make sense. But I think my little climbing guys and my filagree are the same, just masquerading as something important. These marks are significant in that they were me desiring to find something significant enough to place on my body forever. These marks to me now represent the search for the beginning of the path.

I always wanted more ink, but was nervous to be respected by having visible tattoos. Then I met my friend Tiffany Mylott, an incredibly beautiful Yoga instructor and a massage therapist, who is covered in ink, but has managed to make a collection of pieces that are significant to her, full of color and beauty, and show her character, beliefs and love right there on her body. She is no less feminine for these pieces, her beauty, already luminescent, shines brightly out of the mandala on her arm, and her tribute to her wedding day.

Emboldened by the beautiful color I saw on her, I sought out Chad at Third Chapter Tatoo in Bozeman, MT. I had seen several pieces by him on people around town, and every time I'd asked who had done that piece, the answer was Chad.

I had asked my sister about a year before what a word for patience was. This was the lesson of a year and a half, the focus of my life, Patience in skiing, in bumps, in changing edges, patience with my heart, with myself, with my kids, patience in life. Liat gave me the word Aequinemitas, meaning Patience through Peace of Mind, and I fell in love with it. I wrote it on my skis, I focused on it for a year. I then took a piece that Tom had designed for me, an art deco design showing a drop of oil unwinding in water, which reminds me also of the way the fascia feels as it lets go and loosens under my hands when I'm giving massage. Only with deep patience, and by listening to what the body wants do things change. I took the chance, and Chad did this amazingly simple, beautiful, and very technical piece on my arm. Its a hard piece to do because there is no black outline. Color only. And I loved it.

This was the first time that I understood that while you get what you want, because its your tattoo, its very important to allow the hand of the artist on your body. I was art directing Chad quite a bit at first, and he was gracious to me. By the time we'd got going, I had let go a little and as he asked me if I wanted shading or not, I told him, "Do your thing, make it beautiful".. Suddenly, Chad was enjoying himself as well.

For the rest of the story on the Aequinemitas tatto, click HERE to read the detailed post.

The next chapter, coming tonight, my new tattoo, and what it means to feel it heal.

Recession? What Recession?

Oct. 26 (Bloomberg) -- Vail Resorts Inc.’s season pass sales rose 13 percent in September as skiers eager for powder prepared to make tracks a year after the financial crisis.

“This year the economy is still struggling but there is more confidence that it’s not getting dramatically worse,” Robert Katz, chief executive officer of Vail Resorts, said in an interview. “The economic issues that we faced last year started right at the beginning of ski season and got worse until the end of the season.” The company operates five U.S. ski properties.

For the rest of the article from Bloomberg, click HERE.

On the overwhleming nature of too much to do.

So I move to Aspen next Saturday. That means I have seven days until I get in my car and drive there. There are many things that I should get done before I go... and for some reason, I've decided that the best way to get that stuff done is to sit down and write a blog post... because I've read everything on Facebook and on my Tweet Deck...

Here's the deal. I'm overwhelmed. Not with the idea of moving, I'm ready to move. In fact, I wish it was moving day. I have felt for the last month like I'm spinning my wheels, just killing time until I can start my new life. And I think that my love of a crushing deadline and my desire not to be in the situation I'm in here at home anymore is making me myopic to the day of the move, unless I'm engaged in my kids, I'm focusing down the tube to the day I leave. Which isn't helpful as far as moving toward getting gone.

I think I also don't relish the fact that once I'm gone, I'm having to trust that everything will be okay here. Letting go of the kids for a few weeks is even harder than I thought, and with so many SO Many unresolved issues, I feel like I can't put my head down and get to work because there is so much obstinately unresolved crap. And its time to take the bull by the horns and hammer out how this is all going to work, because the constant change of plan is making me feel like I'm standing on a keyboard and someone else is playing the paino.

Honestly, I'm excited to be in my own place, living on my own, standing on my own two feet, making my own money, starting over, turning a page, as it were.

I'm overwhelmed with the fact that there's a week to go, and I wish I'd gone through the barn the attic and the garage all summer like I was going to... but didn't really have time or energy to.

This business of divorce is very tiring. It takes up a lot more time than I ever thought it would, and I'd love to write more about it, the ups and downs and what its been like, but I can't do that right now, so there is all this... silence about this huge part of my life, this giant, emotional and time-sucking thing, like swimming upstream through slow molasses.

This is another reason I'm excited to get outa dodge, we both need some space, here, and living on top of one another in the same house has not made this any easier.

What I need to do is make a list of everything I need to do, in all categories, not just of my appointments, and make a performance plan, essentially, to make sure I get it all done before I go. (And here I hear my little sister, who is a workflow expert, saying "Lists don't work!" and she's right, but I gotta do something, because I'm getting nothing done fast except preemptively missing my kids and Mike and his kids.)

But I want to sit at my computer and write and play with my boys in ooblick and make cookies with them, and then next Saturday, just wander out to my car, turn it on, and go to Aspen.

Its not often that I turn my face away from hard work, I'm a fan of running at the thing that scares me, or running at the thing that needs tackling, I find that when you go at it, it gets done sooner, and when you look away, it grows, and sometimes it grows legs and follows you around.

The funny thing is that I also have a bunch of stuff that doesn't need to get done before I go, but needs doing. And I'm gonna loose this awesome enormous iMac that I work on when I leave, and have my old, slow, broken PowerBook to work off when I'm down there, so I feel like I should knock a bunch of computer stuff off the list, too... I had this grand idea that I'd buy one off Ebay for $500, but that's another dream on hold, because money is still tight, and that's okay, the computer I have will make it.

Wishing it was different is taking the energy I need to make it happen. What is now? What is in the now? What is my reality that I need to face, handle, and walk through, no matter how inconvenient, unknown, scary, painful... seven days to do it all.

And its time to get started. Now.

Reader Question: Which Rando Bindings Should I Buy?

One of my friends and readers of my blog, triathlete Jonathan Rice, just sent me this question:

Oh queen of ski, I just bought skins. I'm going to, some day, convert one of my tele skis into an AT ski. What binding should I be looking at?

Hello, Mr. Rice! Depends on the ski you are on and the terrain you want to shred, how much weight you are willing to pull up the hill with you. I ski on Dynafit, but you need Garmont or Dynafit compatible boots. They are super light weight and excellent as long as they don't fail. Angela and I were skiing Saddle two years ago and one fo my bindings wouldn't hold, we were six turns down the face and had to do some surgery on the binding. I usually ski downhill with them locked on in touring mode now, but that means they WONT come off if they need to.

An EXCELLENT FAQ on Dynafit bindings by the talented Lou Dawson at WildSnow can be found HERE.

On the other had, they weigh NOTHING, and in over 100 days in the back country in the last three seasons, they've only ever failed that once. Now I make sure to rinse the springs in the creek when I'm done.

Fritschi and Naxo make great successively heavier rando bindings, fairly stable, you will find people that swear by both brands. I'm a fan of Fritschi over Naxo, I just felt like it transfered more energy to the ski. Naxo's binding is discontinued, but you can find it used or in backstock. A good FAQ on the Naxo is also at Lou's blog, HERE.

From Altacam.comThe Swiss Company Fritschi Diamir built an incredible reputation for the design and development of alpine touring bindings. Add the Black Diamond name to the mix and you have the AT bindings of all time. The Freeride Plus goes up to a 12 DIN setting, and can handle your aggressive skiing.

Introduced in the 2006 season, the Fritschi Diamir Freeride Plus Binding has remain virtually unchanged. Just like the original Freeride, these bindings are designed for big-mountain freeskiing or whatever you can throw at them. The adjustable toe height and Teflon anti-friction plate guarantee that the Freerides will fit any alpine touring or standard alpine ski boots.

As stated above, the all time Alpine Touring Binding.

Megan's favorite binding is the Duke, its heavy as all get out, but its the best Alpine binding she's ever been on, AND its a good quick convert rando binding. I don't mind a little weight for day trips, I'd probably buy the Duke and put it on some heavier skis for things like Saddle and the rest of the the Bridgers. Blackmore is a bit of a haul, I'd maybe want a lighter ski and binding for a day like that. Either that, or just train a little heavier and take the big guns everywhere!

Read what Lou has to say about the Duke "A binding John Wayne would be proud of..."HERE.

Hope that helps!

Goodbye, Whitefish. T-16 days till the move to Aspen

This is my 1000th post! Can you believe it? And it marks an important milestone in the move to Aspen, in about an hour I'm hopping in my car to go say goodbye to Mike and his kids. I'm not sure when we'll see each other again, maybe Thanksgiving, possibly not till Christmas.

Leaving is hard, leaving my kids, leaving Montana, leaving this new love, leaving his kids, leaving my home, leaving Bridger Bowl, leaving my kids, leaving my business, leaving my friends, leaving my kids, leaving my kids.

So I'm trying to take it one good-bye at a time. And this next few days, while doors are opening in front of me (I'm now officially writing for Ski Resorts.com!) and I'm moving through them gladly, I want to be sure that I am HERE NOW to experience every moment of the next sixteen days. (While packing, raising money, tying up loose ends, and spending time with my kids.)

Goodbye Whitefish, Mike, Marley, Ethan and Cyrus. It was a magical summer, and I can't wait to see you all in Aspen at Christmas!

The Never Ending Becoming

It is always amazing to me how much work there is to be done. Part of me loves this and part of me can't stand it. For instance, I'm looking forward to ski season so I can focus all my energy on understanding how to bend my ski high in the turn rather than focusing so much on how I work in the world, why I am here, and how I'm meant to interact with the rest of the humans around me.

But really, they are both so totally interwoven, I can't ever get away from becoming, because its, I believe, the point of it all. To get as far as I can get in this lifetime toward a peaceful, happy, joyful existence. That's part of why I love to ski, its like touching that kind of joy, its like sampling what life can be in all its facets once I've figured it out more. The funny thing, is that the life seems to be the journey, there really is no "figuring it out". Well, for a few there are, those rare enlightened beings who have let go of ego and suffering and simply exist, helping others to do the same.

Anyhow, I'm waxing a bit rhapsodic here as I'm puzzling through something that happened to me over the weekend.

Here is the bare bones again, and thank you for your indulgence while I lay myself bare. I guess, again, the reason that I do this is because I'm a person, struggling to make sense of it all, and you guys are too. So I figure, why hide? Why hide my flaws and mistakes and warts and stubbornness and all that. Why not just lay it bare, sift through it, look at it, learn from it, be grateful for the lesson, and grow. (And I think I always have to write that disclaimer because its scary to show you guys, my readers, whom I love and cherish, how very flawed I am. But that is what makes us human, and here I am. Human.)

I pride (and there's the first mistake) myself on being a great communicator. I like to think that with all the years of study that I've done in Psychology and communication, in coaching, in teaching, that I'm really, really good at being clear when I speak.

I also am proud of myself for having learned in the last three years, and especially in the last year, the installation and protection of boundaries and self respect. I now feel when those boundaries are being bumped up against, and I protect them, I protect me, fiercely. I have finally lost the fear of saying to someone, "I'm sorry, you can't talk to me like that. That does not feel good. Please say that differently, or don't say it at all."

The problem is, and perhaps you can read it in that above statement, that in learning to protect and care for myself, I have become a bit of a warrior, sometimes when its unnecessary. This may be because I had NO boundaries before, and so in order to feel them in effect, I must be very vigilant of them now.

And this weekend, I had to learn a very painful lesson that its time to trust that the boundaries are in place, and to put some compassion back in there for the person who is trying to talk to me, even if its in a less than ideal tone of voice. In caring for myself, I had lost my grace.

Realizing this was very hard, it was painful, because I believe that I care so deeply for my friends, for those I love, and because grace and care and compassion is something I hold in such high regard, that to see that in learning the lesson I needed to learn so badly, I had lost this essential piece was just...

For the last three days, I've been looking at trust again. Trusting myself. Trusting that I will care for myself, for my children, that I can feel that boundary, that I will step in if its dire, that I can feel the difference between semantics and battles worth fighting.

The scary thing is that it took a near train-wreck to bring me to my senses. I was so carefully guarding my boundaries, that I forgot someone else's heart, plight, feelings and fears. And that lack of care for them was like a beacon to their own boundaries.

And I stood on the precipice and felt, for the first ten hours, sorry for myself and wronged. And then, with the help of Tamara, who took me gently by the hand and asked me to look with my heart for what the other was feeling, I realized that there was so much sadness, so much surprise at my lack of connection and care, I realized, suddenly, I had been careless with the most important thing there is, grace and compassion for (all) but especially the ones you love.

I spent the next ten hours weeping about my carelessness, and living in fear that I'd learn this lesson the hardest way, (and yes, I've had to learn this lesson the hard way before, as we peel down the layers, the same lesson, closer and closer to the core of the matter is exposed. I've said good bye to several friends I've loved by not realizing I'd wronged them by simply not having a compassionate heart for their hurt while they were wounding mine.) And I spent the next five learning to breathe again.

I am fortunate that I have a strong, compassionate team around me who is willing to gently shine a light on the path when I get lost. Amy, Tamara, and Mike were my guides through this unexpected surgery, and, as with any abrupt becoming, it was wicked painful, but the end result was a well weeded, well tended beautiful becoming. I'm just grateful I came through it without loosing anyone in the process.

It seems to me that the beauty of this life is that the becoming never ends. The core issues I'm here to tackle will keep presenting themselves, in different and smaller permutations, as I learn more and more where they come from, why they exist, and I gain deeper understanding that allows me to let go of the behaviors associated with them. For instance, growing up, I had no ability to protect myself when I was disrespected, so now, when I feel disrespected, I do protect myself, a great step forward. The next step was to do it with my swords down, which was hard to do. I learned it, but not completely, there are some situations I'll go into both swords drawn without even realizing it. The next and hardest was to learn to go into it realizing that the disrespect I am feeling is probably me projecting the hurt I've felt in similar situations from the past onto the one I'm in now.

And rather than feeling that deep pain pulled forward from the past, and assuming the worst, perhaps, I can put down not only my sword, but my assumption, my ego, my pride, my pain, and listen with an open and giving hear to the person who is trying so hard to communicate with me. This is the big challenge. To be there for the other person, without looking through the filter of your past. To trust that your boundary will be there if you are truly threatened, but to see through that boundary, not like curtains, or gauze, but like an open window.

I'm grateful for these lessons, because I know they move me forward. I know they will make me better at loving the people I love, better at listening to my kids, to my students, to my teachers, just better.

Do you have current CEU's on your relationship?

I was hiking up Big Mountain last month with Mike and some friends, and we were talking about people, and the nature of relationships. Friendships, mentor-ships, working relationships, romantic relationships, they all have something in common.

They need to be tended. Now this is nothing new, we all know that we need to care for each other, pay attention to each other, but it occurred to me in a way that it hasn't before.

We were talking about staying current in our respective fields, and how there are some people who are always psyched to learn, to make sure that they are up on what is changing in their field.

I love to take CEUs (Continuing Education Units) in Skiing (of course) Philosophy, Psychology, Massage, in writing, in art, in music... I love to keep growing and learning. I'm not sure who said it, but suddenly we were talking about the fact that people don't do that for each other.

What I mean by that is, can you imagine if, to keep your certification in your relationship current, you were required to do 32 hours a year of continuing education on your significant other?

You should know what they are doing, what they are interested in, how they are growing and changing, what their path is. You might even take a class in something that interests THEM so that you have a deeper understanding of this person, who means so much to you.

Now, if your partner is an accountant, and you are a performance artist, you might very well be putting each other to sleep. But as I see it, you are still obligated to care for your relationship with the same eager forward thinking as you would care for a career that you feel passionate about, and keep your education current. That means not just GOING, but paying attention and learning.

Its not just something you should do for your partner, but something they should do for you. My friend Shanon once said, "A relationship is not 50/50. Its 100/100. You give it everything you've got, and so should they."

Mike also put it nicely. Think of your love as a bit of cave man fire. You just got it. You aren't really sure how it was made, but you know its precious and important and hard to come by. If you are going to keep it, you'd better carry it carefully if you move it, you'd better tend it, feed it gently, blow on it to give it life, and check it frequently to make sure its still burning.

A truly excellent book on this subject, which I'm reading now, is called "Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love." Now I have to say, I am not a fan of self help books, that's one thing I don't really read. But this is like an easy to read Psych text book that is written by a woman who completely revolutionized couples therapy in the last twenty years. Its AWESOME. Check it out.

Just got sponsored by Leki! WOW!

Holy WOW! I just got an email from Greg at Leki saying they'd like to have me on their gear! YES!! Super awesome! This pole/glove system is SO rad, and SO great for teaching! I'm SUPER PSYCHED! Man I can't tell you how many times I've been putting my poles on over my big mittens while flying down a traverse at Mach Chicken and not looking where I'm going because everyone else can get their freakin' poles on quick! EXCELLENT!

Thanks for picking me up, Leki!

Austrian skier Hermann Maier retires from ski racing

October 13th, 2009

Vienna-

Hermann Maier, aka "The Herminator", retires from racing. Former bricklayer, Maier has two Gold Medals, and four World Cup titles. Survives amazing crash at Nagano to win the gold two days later.


Hermann Maier, 36, announced his retirement from ski racing after 13 years of competing on the world cup circuit. Maier blames physical problems for his decision. He said: "I have decided to bring to an end my career as a competitive skier. After a lot of thought, the decision just made itself spontaneously." He remains one of the most decorated alpine skiers in history.

Read the rest of the article on Teton Gravity Research, and see video of Herman Maier's crash two days before winning the gold in Nagano.

Warren Miller MASSIVE Giveaway!

To celebrate Warren Miller's 60 years of making ski movies, Warren Miller Entertainment, Ski & Skiing Magazines have teamed up to present the BIGGEST SKI GIVEAWAY IN HISTORY.

HOW TO PARTICIPATE:
Everyday from October 1st - November 29th, 2009 - HUGE prizes from the top brands in the ski industry will be awarded. Including:
* Konflict ski boots
* Prophet 90(179cm) skis
* Day of cat skiing for 2 at Keystone
* Two nights at the Village at Squaw, plus a two-day lift ticket
* Snowbird Four nights at Cliff Lodge, Four days of lift tickets for two, guided skiing and early tram.

ENTER NOW:
Visit HERE and answer one (easy) ski trivia question - once you've completed the entry you're eligible to win a prize on that day. Visit the site each day to participate and don't forget to enter into the GRAND PRIZE giveaway!

Get with the program! Women's Camps article by me in 32 Degrees!

My article on Women's Ski Camps came out! WOW! How exciting!! To see a full size image you can actually read, click on each photo.

Meet the Trainer! Welcome to the team, Stone Clinic!

Laura Keller, MPT

Head of The Stone Clinic Physical Therapy Department, Laura will be putting together the team that will train me!

With a master’s in physical therapy, Laura strives to stay on top of the most innovative and progressive techniques in her field through continuous education, She has completed the highly esteemed Folsom Long-Term Advanced Manual Orthopaedics Course. She has participated in many community health action outreach programs as a physical therapy coordinator and has been involved with treatment and instruction on injury prevention for the Sacramento Ballet. Before she came to The Stone Clinic, Laura was the manager of two outpatient orthopaedic clinics. Laura has a Bachelor’s degree in Spanish from the University of California, Santa Barbara, and spent a year living in Spain to master the language. She received her master’s degree in physical therapy from Western University of Health Sciences in Pomona, California. Laura's interests lie in all things outdoors including mountain biking, volleyball, skiing, and travel. She has contributed to Ski Racing Journal, Backpacker Magazine, Ski Magazine, Skiing Magazine, and SkiNet.com.

Check out the early season DEALS from AspenSnowmass!

Hi there! I've added a button on the sidebar of my blog, so that when you are all ready to come out and ski with me in Aspen this winter, you can book directly from my site! I'll post deals I find around the Aspen Valley for lodging and lift tickets whenever I find them to help make your journey to Colorado affordable and fun!

(Hey, you are NEVER too old to grab a group of friends and pile into a condo all together. The couches are PRETTY DARN COMFY! Bring your sleeping bag, a few of your best friends, your family and kids, and come SKI with me! Be a recessionista, condos, gas and food are cheap when you are splitting them with friends!)

To start us off, here are a few GREAT deals that the Aspen Skiing Company is offering for early season booking: (Click HERE to see a whole PAGE of awesome deals and packages!)

Kids Ski & Stay Free in March

Aspen/Snowmass is the best place for family fun! Whether they're exploring the interactive kids' trails in the Family Zone on Snowmass, enjoying a day at The Treehouse Kids' Adventure Center, or learning to jib in the Buttermilk Terrain Park, kids love all there is to do here. As always, kids ages 6 & under always ski/ride for FREE at Aspen/Snowmass!


PRIVATE LESSON PACKAGE

Purchase 5 full days of ski/snowboard school private lessons and receive $50 to spend in-resort on lift tickets, equipment rentals, retail items and on-mountain restaurants by December 1, 2009! $50 credit applicable with each purchase of a 5-day private lesson (full day private lessons only).



BUY IN ADVANCE - THE MORE YOU BUY, THE MORE YOU SAVE!

Don’t wait until you get here, purchase at least 7 days in advance and SAVE BIG! Whether it's Value Season, Holiday Season, Peak Season or Late Season, buying lift tickets, lessons and equipment rentals 7 days in advance saves money. PLUS save time by having your lift tickets delivered directly to your lodge. Save even more by leaving your gear at home – no airline baggage fees – and renting from Four-Mountain Sports.


WINTERNATIONAL HASSLE-FREE PACKAGE

The fastest women in the world return to Aspen November 28-29, 2009, for the Aspen Winternational Audi FIS Alpine World Cup! Winternational weekend includes Slalom & Giant Slalom Races on Aspen Mountain, Dine Around dining specials, fireworks and a FREE Bud Light Hi-Fi concert.

(Look for my article in the December issue of Ski Racing Magazine on watching the World Cup live in Aspen!)